March 13 th

I am super tired today and super sick but have wanted to keep you posted so I am going to give you a quick update of my week. I was so excited last week to find my old friend, Ben, He actually is the person who introduced me to my now husband , John. The kids and I stopped in last friday at his work to say hi. He really has not changed all that much. I really miss him and his friendship. His girl died of numerous cancerers 4 yrs ago and he is now dating a very young girl. Anyway today I was blessed to get to go to a brunch with the ladies from our new church. I really have to say it was good for me. I find it difficult to connect with people sometimes because I think or feel I am so inferrior because of my past or because of all the verbal damage I have heard in my timed. I may know I am not inferrior but I still feel like a 7 yr old. Anyway today way fabulous. For some reason john made me feel like a special wife. He helped when I needed it and even made me dinner. the best dinner ever. I don't think could have ordered a meal so wonderful! anyway the kids are ill, Jayden is throwing up from coughing and I am tired. Good night. :)

March 3rd

So I turned 35 on Monday. Something really I never once thought I would do. For some reason I can't seem to wrap my mind around the thought that I am a mom, wife yet have not accomplished any of my childhood dreams. I kinda feel like I should be on that episode of Scrubs when they were checking off the list of things to do by the time they hit i think it was 30. Only my list seems so scattered. I kept a Journal the whole time I was using and up until I had Jayden but having two kids is a lot os work but I thought I would try to bog down some thoughts each day. I have so many diverse things I would like to do with my life. I asked God between the tears today what is the plan. Every idea I have takes money. Every business idea takes money. Every invention stops at money. I know some of my ideas are good they have to be, because if I were younger in the state I was in I would have taken hold. For instance, lately I have wondered why I have had a longing for animals. Especially a life long for horses. I recycle the idea of my ranch idea. I keep imagining helping girls that have been abused, under drug bondage or any other bondage. There is something that happens between you and the animal. I wish I could offer the council of the spirit with partner of horse. I have dreamed of it for so long. Only I was the one attending. I remember my camps at Canyonview. short but oh so effective. Then there is the dream of signing . Teaching in the sign language way. I have numerous inventions but you guessed it - MONEY! In an economy like today entrepreneurs are probably all on welfare.
Still when I think of owning horses something happens to me. I hadn't quite explain it. Cold sweat, I almost forget where I am . I think about Chico and Tonto and Morgan and Pepper. And though all those times ended in trauma I would not trade working at that barn for anything. My chest feels like iron mans looks. Somehow I feel saddle sore when I am done only the reality of it not happening sets in. It could happen if I could afford it. So I have to wonder. When or what is next?