March 3rd

So I turned 35 on Monday. Something really I never once thought I would do. For some reason I can't seem to wrap my mind around the thought that I am a mom, wife yet have not accomplished any of my childhood dreams. I kinda feel like I should be on that episode of Scrubs when they were checking off the list of things to do by the time they hit i think it was 30. Only my list seems so scattered. I kept a Journal the whole time I was using and up until I had Jayden but having two kids is a lot os work but I thought I would try to bog down some thoughts each day. I have so many diverse things I would like to do with my life. I asked God between the tears today what is the plan. Every idea I have takes money. Every business idea takes money. Every invention stops at money. I know some of my ideas are good they have to be, because if I were younger in the state I was in I would have taken hold. For instance, lately I have wondered why I have had a longing for animals. Especially a life long for horses. I recycle the idea of my ranch idea. I keep imagining helping girls that have been abused, under drug bondage or any other bondage. There is something that happens between you and the animal. I wish I could offer the council of the spirit with partner of horse. I have dreamed of it for so long. Only I was the one attending. I remember my camps at Canyonview. short but oh so effective. Then there is the dream of signing . Teaching in the sign language way. I have numerous inventions but you guessed it - MONEY! In an economy like today entrepreneurs are probably all on welfare.
Still when I think of owning horses something happens to me. I hadn't quite explain it. Cold sweat, I almost forget where I am . I think about Chico and Tonto and Morgan and Pepper. And though all those times ended in trauma I would not trade working at that barn for anything. My chest feels like iron mans looks. Somehow I feel saddle sore when I am done only the reality of it not happening sets in. It could happen if I could afford it. So I have to wonder. When or what is next?