what next - May 18th

So today i followed up on some dreams left unsearched. You know those ones I left behind when i went 10 years on the meth road. the whole college road, and I even inquired on the military road. I lmow when I wanted to be an officer j was so against it but dang can I only be a wife? Why am I so drawn to my contyr and its colors. Am I only turned on by it's meaning ? no I want to be part of something greater and since it is better to have all eggs in one basket before I present my case to hime, if I could haveit all ovr I think I would love to gain not only the honor but the benefits of a servuice woman but the greatness of being a ultrasound tech. I am so not certain os other kids. J is so up and Down with the way he acts and I a so unsure on my happioness in the way he is in this family. He says today how threatened he is by our neighbor. hmm well maybe that is because he is easy to talk to? J may be so ggreat in bed but really I wish I knew from one day to the next who her was when he walked through the door or gtot behind the wheel. Sometimes it is so hard being married I just want to run away!

March 13 th

I am super tired today and super sick but have wanted to keep you posted so I am going to give you a quick update of my week. I was so excited last week to find my old friend, Ben, He actually is the person who introduced me to my now husband , John. The kids and I stopped in last friday at his work to say hi. He really has not changed all that much. I really miss him and his friendship. His girl died of numerous cancerers 4 yrs ago and he is now dating a very young girl. Anyway today I was blessed to get to go to a brunch with the ladies from our new church. I really have to say it was good for me. I find it difficult to connect with people sometimes because I think or feel I am so inferrior because of my past or because of all the verbal damage I have heard in my timed. I may know I am not inferrior but I still feel like a 7 yr old. Anyway today way fabulous. For some reason john made me feel like a special wife. He helped when I needed it and even made me dinner. the best dinner ever. I don't think could have ordered a meal so wonderful! anyway the kids are ill, Jayden is throwing up from coughing and I am tired. Good night. :)

March 3rd

So I turned 35 on Monday. Something really I never once thought I would do. For some reason I can't seem to wrap my mind around the thought that I am a mom, wife yet have not accomplished any of my childhood dreams. I kinda feel like I should be on that episode of Scrubs when they were checking off the list of things to do by the time they hit i think it was 30. Only my list seems so scattered. I kept a Journal the whole time I was using and up until I had Jayden but having two kids is a lot os work but I thought I would try to bog down some thoughts each day. I have so many diverse things I would like to do with my life. I asked God between the tears today what is the plan. Every idea I have takes money. Every business idea takes money. Every invention stops at money. I know some of my ideas are good they have to be, because if I were younger in the state I was in I would have taken hold. For instance, lately I have wondered why I have had a longing for animals. Especially a life long for horses. I recycle the idea of my ranch idea. I keep imagining helping girls that have been abused, under drug bondage or any other bondage. There is something that happens between you and the animal. I wish I could offer the council of the spirit with partner of horse. I have dreamed of it for so long. Only I was the one attending. I remember my camps at Canyonview. short but oh so effective. Then there is the dream of signing . Teaching in the sign language way. I have numerous inventions but you guessed it - MONEY! In an economy like today entrepreneurs are probably all on welfare.
Still when I think of owning horses something happens to me. I hadn't quite explain it. Cold sweat, I almost forget where I am . I think about Chico and Tonto and Morgan and Pepper. And though all those times ended in trauma I would not trade working at that barn for anything. My chest feels like iron mans looks. Somehow I feel saddle sore when I am done only the reality of it not happening sets in. It could happen if I could afford it. So I have to wonder. When or what is next?